she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
