dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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