all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
