Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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