I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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