So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
