I accidentally had phone sex last night
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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