i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
