god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
