Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
