Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
