3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
