I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
