It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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