I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
