The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
