smell my finger.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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