Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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