Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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