hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
