You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
