i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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