the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
