I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
