she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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