I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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