Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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