They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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