I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
