Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
