saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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