Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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