I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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