Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
