that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
