I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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