our cab driver is having phone sex.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
did i just pee glitter
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
