Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
