bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
