watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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