i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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