come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
