11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
