New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
