"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
