There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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