textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
