Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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