my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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