my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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